A couple of months ago some fundamentalist had made the claim that eating tofu and soy products will make you gay. Ugh. I decided not to write about this because it was so hilariously stupid. But hey, I never said some fundamentalists were smart…
Anyway, today in the S.F. Chronicle is a hilarious response to this soy-threat. It is written by Mark Morford, a guy I have commented on before. Anyway, here is a bit of the original article on the dangers of soy, written by some guy named Jim Rutz.
There’s a slow poison out there that’s severely damaging our children and threatening to tear apart our culture. The ironic part is, it’s a "health food," one of our most popular.
Now, I’m a health-food guy, a fanatic who seldom allows anything into his kitchen unless it’s organic. I state my bias here just so you’ll know I’m not anti-health food.
The dangerous food I’m speaking of is soy. Soybean products are feminizing, and they’re all over the place. You can hardly escape them anymore.
Estrogens are female hormones. If you’re a woman, you’re flooding your system with a substance it can’t handle in surplus. If you’re a man, you’re suppressing your masculinity and stimulating your "female side," physically and mentally.
In fetal development, the default is being female. All humans (even in old age) tend toward femininity. The main thing that keeps men from diverging into the female pattern is testosterone, and testosterone is suppressed by an excess of estrogen.
…Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That’s why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today’s rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products. (Most babies are bottle-fed during some part of their infancy, and one-fourth of them are getting soy milk!) Homosexuals often argue that their homosexuality is inborn because "I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t homosexual." No, homosexuality is always deviant. But now many of them can truthfully say that they can’t remember a time when excess estrogen wasn’t influencing them.
Notice that Mr. Rutz did not cite a single medical study by name. Anyway, so here is Mark’s response (at least part of it–it is worth reading the entire thing):
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: I knew it. I knew that soy stuff was evil like black sunshine in spring! Also: Is Tom Cruise really gay? Does he eat a lot of soy? And maybe: How do I get hot porn onto my new black 30 GB iPod I got for Christmas? Is Steve Jobs a god? Does God like soy? Wait, didn’t God invent soy? So how could it be bad for my innocent cherubic child who loves iPods and looks nothing like Tom Cruise? Should I try anal sex? Is this the year I wear more orange? And so on.
Oh yes, you knew it. Especially if you are from the far end of the baffled gay-hatin’ right-wing mind-set and don’t read much and don’t really care about pesky stuff like science, or fact, or health, or, you know, actual thought. Yay you!
"Should Christians be armed? The ultimate biblical exploration of self defense." "How the UN will be the death of Israel and the West." "Chuck Norris’ column appears here!" "U.S. infrastructure for sale to foreigners." "The good news about the looming disaster … it’s easy, inexpensive and fun to get prepared!" It’s a site to make Ann Coulter’s nipples hard.
The author of this particular article, our boy Jim Rutz, a guy who likes his meat organic but his facts as toxic and undercooked as a high school cheeseburger, Jim states, with absolute certainty, that soy products will make your kid gay. And why? Because soy contains "feminizing" estrogen compounds and hence when you feed soy products to your little girl she will menstruate by age 7 and if you feed it to your little boy his testicles might not fully develop until he enters college and if you feed soy milk to your baby (Heathen! Sinner!) your tot will, according to Jimbo, receive the equivalent of five birth control pills per day (italics his) and doing so could actually kill your baby, oh my God, who will save the children from the gay (plant) agenda!
But wait. Do not fall into fits of ironic intellectual mirth just yet, because perhaps you should consider the ugly truth that, by logical extension, God hates vegans.
Is it not obvious? After all, most vegans eat a lot of soy. Consequently, most vegans are, of course, violently gay, just like billions of Asians who’ve eaten soy products for millennia and are so gay and feminine and estrogen heavy they can barely stand up. Which explains Hello Kitty. And samurai movies. And the Scion Xb. I mean, obviously.
It all makes perfect sense. Because if there’s one thing God loathes, it’s gay people, what with them being such an abomination for daring to want to fall in love and be happy. Therefore God must really hate vegans (especially Asian vegans), because they must be gay, even though he loves everyone, which is a total contradiction and which sort of confuses God and which therefore makes him hate soy products even more even though he invented the stuff despite having long ago forgotten why. See? Clear as a bell, right, Jim?
But does this mean eating a nice tofu veggie burger will shrink your testicles and make your average hetero male linger, swooningly, a bit longer over photos of George Clooney than he normally would? Does this mean you get to dispense with logic altogether and claim that small penises somehow equal gayness (as opposed to say, increased SUV sales), or that all gay men are "feminine," or that soy is the probable cause of obesity and leukemia and infertility and the downgrading of Pluto? Hell, why not? It’s the homophobic, science-is-for-sissies GOP way.
Alas, there is no mention in Rutz’ article about the other foods that have calamitous effects on one’s sexual wiring. It is no secret, after all, that the consumption of excess Girl Scout cookies — particularly Caramel deLites — will make you a butch lesbian. It has also been reported in lesser-known scientific journals that eating lots of organic baby greens means you want to subscribe to the New Yorker and drive a Prius and get your genitals pierced, often at the same time.
I know what you’re thinking: It’s all too easy to make fun of mind-sets like Jimbo’s. But it is also, of course, mandatory that we do so, if for no other reason than if you cannot laugh at such matters and point up the adorably warped mental gyrations required to make such claims, then you are not able to lay blame where it so obviously lies: which is, of course, smack on our education system. It’s an intellectual crisis, is what it is.
Stay in school, kids. Stay in school and for Christ’s sake please learn something lest you end up like Jim, what with his trembling hands and his spasming colon and his violent nightmares featuring giant tofu robots leading perky armies of sashaying soy-fed children, marching into his yard wielding soy lattes and Barbra Streisand records and waving gay-marriage petitions like victory flags. Shudder.
I think he is hilarious. Here is the website to his archives (if you want to read more).