Stacy Harp and My Wedding

I see Stacy has written about me and Joe yet again, even though a couple of months ago she said she never would.  Oh well.  Today she writes about my wedding and Joe Brummer’s wedding.  She isn’t very happy with it.  Oh well.  She wasn’t on my guest list anyway!  🙂

I find it very strange that her biggest complaint about my marriage to Doug is that we haven’t planned it out for 8 months like she did with her marriage.  I remember once when a friend from college was getting married.  We went out to dinner with he and his wife after the marriage.  His wife showed us her ring and said;  "I told John that I wouldn’t marry him unless I had at least a 1/2 carat diamond ring."  She was dead serious.  I know of couples who have spent months and months preparing for their wedding.  I’ve been in a wedding as one of the groomsman and I remember going through the paces–stand here, do this, do that.  All the while I was thinking–how is this related to the joy of getting married?  Stacy claims she spent 8 months preparing for hers.  Funny, I don’t remember reading anything in the Bible about a protracted planning stage for a wedding. I don’t remember reading anything in the Bible about spending lots and lots of money preparing for the wedding, or the necessity of pretty balloons and flowers.  Stacy states:

We had about 200 people come, flowers, balloons, a nice reception, church ceremony, rehearsal dinner, bridal shower, bachelor party – in other words, the whole works.

"The whole works"?  Do pretty balloons make a wedding better than another wedding?  Does the rehearsal dinner make a wedding better than another wedding?  We aren’t having a bridal shower, well, because neither of us are brides and these are usually just parties for the bride-to-be to gather presents.  I’m not interested in getting presents from people.  For me that isn’t what getting married is all about.

She also states that they spent only 8 months preparing.  Sorry Stacy, Doug and I have you beat on that one by a long shot–we’ve been together since February 1992.  I’ll let her do the math.  Besides, Doug and I had a commitment ceremony in 1995.  We registered as domestic partners in Ann Arbor Michigan in 1994 and again in Berkeley, CA in 1996 and again as Registered Domestic Partners in California in 2006.  It isn’t as if we just met and decided to get married.  Besides, what if that is what we decided to do?  Gosh, lots of straight couples have gotten married on a whim and their marriage is as real as Stacy’s and will be as real as mine.

And she asks about the cake?  Maybe we should make it a competition and go out and order the biggest, tallest cake I can find so that when all of our friends show up on the 20th, I can boast that I have the biggest cake.  And how about if I go get the biggest, brightest balloons?  That way I can boast to all of our friends that we are the best out of all of them and no one can compete with the way we can celebrate our marriage?  I guess that would make it a real marriage for Stacy.  Maybe that is what she thinks a marriage should be, but I don’t. 

Again, for Stacy it is all about show.  She spent eight months planning her wedding, not for the marriage itself, but to show off to her friends and relatives.  You can see it here in her own words:

If it was me, I would be making sure I had a HUGE party and wedding. I’d invite hundreds of people (well, actually I did do that) and make sure the whole world knew I was one million percent committed to my man.


And I remember when I was all dressed in white and the music started to play and the whole congregation stood to honor me and I walked down the carpeted aisle toward my groom.

A marriage to me isn’t about showing the world I am committed.  It is about showing Doug that I am committed to him.  Of course, it is important to let our friends and family celebrate our wedding with us, but it isn’t about everyone else.  For me it isn’t about a fancy cake.  Or pretty balloons.  It isn’t about having 100s of guests. It isn’t about having people ‘honor’ me.  It isn’t a competition to see whose is bigger.  It is about my love for Doug.  That is what my upcoming marriage is all about. 

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7 Responses to Stacy Harp and My Wedding

  1. Unknown says:

    Congrats to you and Doug.  I also say thank you for writing this post.  It expresses many of my thoughts and feelings.
    Rick and I have been together for 8 years.   In 2005, we had a ceremony in the backyard of a good friend.   Our families and friends flew in from all over and gathered as we exchanged vows that we wrote ourselves.  In fact,  we wrote the whole ceremony and my sister came and read a beautiful poem by Walt Whitman.  The entire ceremony was planned by three women I work with who have become very close friends for Rick and I.   They gathered 8 to ten formal dining room tables, china, linens and silver and set it all up in the backyard on a beautiful fall day.   You can see a pic here.
    On tuesday, we are marrying because we have been wanting to do it.   It is almost like tying up the loose ends from our ceremony in 2005.   It is really about the legal benefits and protections on tuesday.  We don\’t really need the state\’s approval of our relationship, we did that just fine without the state, but we know as we move from Rhode Island, we will need legal marriage to protect us, provide us with healthcare and document for others the life we have built together. 
    Stacy may not recognize our marriage but the States of Rhode Island and Mass do.   Our new State also recognizes our marriage as a civil union which will allow us to be on each others healthcare. 
    As for Stacy, she won\’t ever understand and I have long given up on trying to help her understand.    Her marriage is whatever it is for her and my marriage is what it is for me.   Thankfully, my marriage has nothing to do with her and her marriage has nothing to do with me.    I take solace in those facts, hopefully she can do the same.

  2. Robert says:

    Interesting that she says God forbids Man to Man marriages…Since God has not ever come down and said that, no he doesn\’t, maybe ones faith or religion does, but that does not mean God does.
    Interesting that she has this "all about me" attitude.

  3. Robert says:

    hi,Kevin,its the first time i read your blogs.
    i am a boy from china.
    wishes for your marriage,and wedding party may be the most important thing in one\’s life in china,even the east world.
    but i have to say,everyone has his own thoughts about his life.and i quite appriciate your love to Doug-so nice!

  4. Scott says:

    Congrats on the wedding (and to Joe & Adam as well)!
    Who cares about having "the whole works" at the wedding?  Traditional weddings are fucked up, because these hetero "princess brides" have to invite everyone they\’ve ever known, even the people from their kindergarden class from 30 years ago.
    If the day comes that I meet somebody worth getting hitched with, my event will strictly be close friends only, maybe a couple family members, and that\’s all.  I can\’t BEHAVE long enough to go through any traditional ceremony LOL
    And there will be no preacher there – for that matter, anyone showing up with a bible is to be shot and/or tasered on sight.   
    YouTube Channel

  5. Unknown says:

    whose Adam?

  6. Kevin says:

    Hey Rob,  I see a definite pattern to Stacy–it is all about her, on every topic.  This one is no different.  It is kind of surprising she doesn\’t see it after writing what she does…
    Hi Boy from China (so what\’s your name?  🙂 )! 
    Hi Scott–yep, there won\’t be any preacher for us either.  This is partly because marriages are civil and not religious.  Everyone, including Stacy Harp, had to get a license from the state to get married.  They she took her balloons, yummy cake, and the \’whole works\’ off to a church for the ceremony!  And Joe is getting married to Rick, not Adam!  😉  I do remember recently someone said that Joe\’s partner was Adam, but I can\’t remember who that was–I guess I should have corrected it then! 
    Hey Joe!  That is a nice pic of you and Rick.  I hope you have some fun on Tuesday.  I can\’t believe that our date is coming up so quickly!  And despite the fact that we aren\’t having a show-off wedding/reception like Stacy had, we are having about 60 people come to our house, so I do need to get my butt in gear and start planning something out.  I was thinking of a 4 foot tall wedding cake with giant balloons popping out the top…  :0

  7. Scott says:

    My bad!  For some reason, I thought Joe\’s partner\’s name is Adam.  Other than Doug, I have difficulty keeping up with the names of the partners of GLBT bloggers – worse than my grandma trying to keep up with all of her grandkids and great-grandkid\’s names LOL

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